


I Was Me (But Now He's Gone)

by sgflutegirl



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sentinels and Guides Are Known, Angst, Brainwashing, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Language, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Sentinel/Guide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 02:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1039336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sgflutegirl/pseuds/sgflutegirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sentinel and Guide AU</p>
<p>Sentinel Clint Barton, and his Guide, Natasha Romanoff, are the strongest Sentinel and Guide pair employed by SHIELD. They also have a unique empathic bond that has helped them out of more than one sticky situation.</p>
<p>After their bond is violently ripped apart, Natasha believes Clint is dead. She soon finds out that he has been taken and brainwashed by Loki. Clint is forced to relive some of the most traumatic moments in his life while Loki pulls information from his mind. </p>
<p>When Natasha finally gets Clint back, will he ever be the same, or will the trauma he suffered at Loki’s hands change him and their bond forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Marvel Bang 2013 on LJ.
> 
> The title is taken from the song Fade to Black by Metallica. 
> 
> This takes place pre-, during, and post- Avengers. This is an AU/Fusion of The Sentinel, but none of those characters make an appearance, so you don't need to know the series to be able to read this. This is my first Sentinel/Guide fic, and I had fun writing it, so I hope you all enjoy it. I'm hoping to make this part of a series, as I have some other stories that I'd like to tell in this 'verse.
> 
> I would like to thank my good friend and beta, shadowintime, for helping me make this readable, and pushing me to get things done. You're awesome! I'd also like to thank my partner in crime, shinysylver, for introducing me to the amazing and wonderful world of Marvel Comics, and for her cheerleading and just general awesomeness. You Rock!! Both of you are amazing and listened to me complain and bitch about this monster. Thank you so much!
> 
> Also, check out the art created by rubystandish [here](http://rubystandish.livejournal.com/37582.html).

_“Barton, damnit! Talk to me. Don’t do this,” Phil yelled over the comm._

_Clint lay on his side up on the roof of the building he had been perched on. The sound, whatever it was, was overwhelming him. It came out of nowhere and he hadn’t had enough time to dial back his hearing to compensate._

_He thought he heard Natasha’s voice, but that wasn’t right. She wasn’t supposed to be there._

_“Clint!”_

\----------------------

“Clint!”

His eyes flew open and he started to sit up, but something was holding him down. He reached for whatever it, but the weight shifted and he was suddenly looking into the eyes of his guide.

He froze. “Tasha? What?”

“You were dreaming. Cairo again?”

Clint nodded and squeezed his eyes shut.

“No you don’t, Barton. Look at me. Focus on me.”

He opened his eyes and looked up into Natasha’s. “I’m fine.”

“Clint… you haven’t had that dream in over a year. We come here, and suddenly you’ve had it almost every other night. That is not normal. Talk to me.”

“Get off me. I said I’m fine.”

Natasha knew she wasn’t going to get anywhere while he was still agitated, so she rolled off of him and back on to her side of the bed. All she could do was watch as he got up and walked into the bathroom attached to their quarters. 

\----------------------

Clint made his way into the small bathroom and quickly removed his clothes. He stumbled into the shower and turned the water on as hot as he could stand. He stood under the steady streams of water and placed his hands flat against the tile wall. He bowed his head and clenched his eyes shut.

In an act that had become somewhat of a defense mechanism, Clint dialed back his hearing to almost nothing. He couldn’t turn it completely off, but at least this way it was manageable. 

He thought back to the dream. It had been nearly five years since the disastrous Cairo mission. It had been one of the most terrifying experiences of his life. It ranked up there with the day his mother died, and the day his brother had left him for dead, for the worst thing to ever happen to him.

James Fenton, a supposedly small-time arms dealer, had somehow gotten his hands on some abandoned Starktech, and had created what Clint had named the ‘Sentinel Stopper.’ One press of a button caused any sentinel within half a mile to zone out. 

Clint remembered setting up in his perch above the square where the meet with Fenton took place. All of his senses were set to normal levels except for his eyes, which he dialed up for distance. The meet went well, and just as the undercover SHIELD agent, Perkins, was walking away with the cash, Clint saw Fenton remove something from his pocket. Just as he was about to radio in, he heard a momentary high-pitched sound, and then nothing.

He came to a few hours later in an isolation room in SHIELD medical on the Helicarrier. Phil was sitting on the bed next to him, both of Clint’s hand clasped in his, trying to pull him out of his zone. Phil had been a lifesaver that day, and even though they weren’t bonded, he was the only Guide employed by SHIELD at the time that was able to work well with Clint.

It took them another three months to finally catch back up to, and take Fenton down. Clint had been the one to take the kill shot, having taken the defensive measure of dialing his hearing back to a point where the ‘Sentinel Stopper’ wouldn’t affect him. He tended to fall back on that same defense mechanism from time to time, especially when reminded of the incident.

Clint probably wouldn’t have noticed anything was wrong if Yana hadn’t appeared. She stood on the edge of the shower with her long tail wrapped around the showerhead. He could always sense when the capuchin monkey was nearby, and she only ever appeared when she was needed. 

He opened his eyes and looked up at her. “What is it, girl?”

Yana pointed to her ears and then pointed up at the ceiling. Clint immediately dialed his hearing back up to a normal level, and was finally able to hear the emergency alarms going off. He briefly wondered why Natasha hadn’t come in to alert him, when the door opened and she walked through. He quickly turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.

Natasha shoved a towel at him, and then said, “Hurry up, Coulson just called. Something about the Tesseract.” 

“Did he say anything else?”

“No… and if you’d had your ears on, you could have talked to him yourself.”

“How did…”

She arched her eyebrow and then rolled her eyes. “Just get yourself together.”

Natasha turned to leave, but quickly reversed course and walked up to Clint. She put her hand on his chest and then leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. “Ten minutes.”

She let her hand linger there as she turned and walked out of the room. Clint caught a glimpse of Lisa curled up on the bed. The red fox appeared even less frequently than Yana, and it wasn’t often when they appeared together. The sense of calm that had come over him at Natasha’s touch was replaced by a great unease. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“We’ve begun evacuation of all non-essential personnel. Romanoff, you’re with me. We’ll be heading up the evacuation and making sure all equipment and materiel is evacuated as well. Barton, I want you down with Dr. Selvig and the other scientists, watching the Tesseract. It’s acting up again, and we need to know why.”

“Sir, I don’t think sitting there staring at it all day is going to tell me anything I don’t already know. Besides, I think something else is going on here.” Clint had turned and was looking toward the small window sill in Coulson’s office.

Coulson saw Yana seated on the windowsill next to where Clint was standing, so he turned to the other agents in the room. “You are all dismissed.” Once they were gone, he turned back to Clint and Natasha.

“What’s going on?”

Natasha was the first to speak. “They’ve both been here since the alarms went off and they are still hanging around. The last time that happened was Budapest, and we all know how that turned out.”

Clint bristled at the mention of Budapest. Since the hellish mission, he had done his best to block it out. Coulson pulled him from his thoughts when he spoke.

“I’m not sure what worries me more, the fact that Yana and Lisa are here, or the fact that Lola isn’t.”

Almost on cue, they saw a flutter out of the corner of their eyes. Lola swooped through the open door and landed on the windowsill next to Yana. The spotted owl looked at the three agents, and then out the window.

“I take it back. Definitely more worried now.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Natasha was loading some boxes into the back of one of the trucks when the ground shook violently. She looked to her right, where Coulson was helping a few people into the back of another truck.

“That’s it, we need to get moving.”

“Wait, what about…?”

“He’ll be coming with the others.”

She turned in the direction of the underground labs, and then back to lift the last box into the truck when there was another violent tremor. This time she was nearly knocked off her feet. She recovered quickly, and finished loading the box. She turned her head back in the direction she knew Clint to be, and then ran to the other truck. 

Natasha was quickly overcome by the feeling of sudden loss. It was as if a piece of her had been ripped away. It stole her breath, and she almost lost her footing again. Then she realized what the feeling was.

“Noooooo!!!” She screamed, and started running in the direction of the lab complex. She didn’t make it far before Coulson had his arms around her middle and was hauling her back toward the truck.

“Let me go! I have to find him!”

“Natasha, stop!”

She continued to fight against him, even after he had lifted her into the back of the truck. They both watched in horror as the ground started to collapse and quickly race toward them. The truck took off and didn’t stop until the ground stopped moving. 

When the truck stopped, Coulson looked out the back at the gigantic hole that was once the research facility. He turned his head and looked down at Natasha who had fallen silent in his arms. There were silent tears running down her face.

He’d only ever seen her that emotional once before, and that had been after the Budapest mission. He looked back out at the vastly changed scenery and hoped that they hadn’t really witnessed what they thought they had witnessed. He’d lived through the loss of his Sentinel, and it wasn’t an easy thing to recover from. Not everyone was strong enough to survive that kind of loss, and he had no doubt that Natasha would. He just hoped she wouldn’t have to.


	2. Chapter 2

Everything was blue. He was moving, but he wasn’t in control. All of his senses were maxed out, which was something he never did. It was too painful. Everything was wrong, but no matter what he tried to do, his body was no longer his to command.

The last thing Clint remembered clearly was Loki grabbing his arm and giving him a strange look. Then Loki said, “You have heart,” and Clint was overcome with cold and blue. The cold seeped away and then he didn’t feel anything, or at least the part of him that was Clint Barton, Agent of SHIELD, one of the good guys, didn’t feel anything. 

Then he felt everything. He could see everything that was going on around him. He was driving a truck through the desert. He tried to move his foot to the break, but again, he had no control. They arrived at a small airfield a few miles from the base. Clint knew it well. It was a small SHIELD airfield; not on any maps. On site were two quinjets, a small private plane, and quite a large armory. He had one of his back-up bow and quivers there. It wasn’t his good quiver, but it would do in a pinch.

He fought as hard as he could against what he knew would happen as soon as they pulled up to the building and the guards and SHIELD agents approached. The blue intensified, and the cold returned. He knew nothing.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Natasha woke up a few hours later in the infirmary on the Helicarrier. She bolted upright, breathing heavily.

“Natasha. Calm down.”

“I can’t feel him.”

Coulson stood and gently grabbed her shoulders.

“Look at me, Natasha.

He waited for her eyes to clear and look at him before he continued.

“He’s alive.”

“But…”

“He’s been compromised. Fury says it was some kind of mind control.”

She nodded, and took a deep breath to try and calm herself.

“What are we doing to find him?” 

Coulson sighed. “We know they took a quinjet from the airfield. We lost them when the tracker was disabled. They raided the armory… Clint’s bow and quiver were missing… Fury is activating the Initiative.”

“He scrapped it for a reason. Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“I don’t know, but we are at war. We were attacked at home, and our… people were taken.”

Natasha sighed. “You’re right. We don’t have much choice.”

He hesitated for a minute before he said, “Do you think you’re up to taking a trip?”

“I’m… I’m not 100%.” It took a lot for her to admit that to anyone. “Where do you need me to go?”

“I need you to get the big guy.”

“You know Stark doesn’t trust me.”

“No, I’ve got Stark. You’ve got the big guy.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Clint’s awareness returned some time later. He was seated in the back of one of the quinjets. Loki was seated across from him on the opposite bench, scepter clutched in his hands. Clint looked around and realized there was no one else there. Where was everyone else?

“Clinton Francis Barton.”

Clint just stared.

“Oh come now, Agent. You can either talk to me willingly, or I can just pull the information I want from your brain.”

Clint continued to stare forward, not acknowledging anything Loki said.

“All I want to know is how you received your abilities. What are you?”

That surprised Clint. He was expecting questions about SHIELD, and the Tesseract, but not anything about himself. Before he could stop himself, he asked, “What?” He quickly snapped his mouth shut. Damnit.

The look on Loki’s face was a cross between a sneer and smile. Clint wasn’t sure he’d ever seen anything like it. 

Loki leaned forward, his grip shifting on the scepter.

“You are mine now. I must know what you can do, and how it will aid me in my plans.”

Clint found himself unable to resist asking, “What are your plans?”

“You’ll find out soon enough. First, I want to know about you. How long have you had these… abilities? What can you do?”

Without any hesitation, Clint blurted out, “I was six.” He had to force himself to stop talking. He struggled, but it wasn’t long before he was talking again.

“I am a Sentinel. All my senses are enhanced beyond those of normal humans.”

“Interesting. Show me... everything.”

Suddenly, the blue gem on the end of the scepter started to glow. Clint couldn’t help but to stare at it, but within seconds, immense pain split through his head. His eyes clenched shut and he couldn’t help the scream that escaped. 

His senses went haywire, like his brain had short-circuited, but just as soon as it started, everything settled. Clint opened his eyes to find they were no longer on the quinjet. They were in a bedroom; a child’s room. Clint was standing at the foot of the bed, and Loki was standing to his right. The scepter was pointed at Clint, but wasn’t touching him. The blue gem glowed brightly.

There was a small boy sitting on the bed; his knees pulled up to his chest and his hands were clamped over his ears. There were tears streaming down his face. An outside observer would have a hard time telling if the tears were from pain or grief. Clint knew all too well; it was both.

Clint was frozen; forced to watch the scene unfold in front of him. Loki watched intently.

_Six-year old Clint was crying not only because of the news he had just overheard, but from the pain that had suddenly erupted in his head. Every sound was amplified and pierced through his brain. He could still hear Barney talking to the police officers downstairs, like they were in the room with him, and no matter how hard he clamped his hands over his ears, he could still hear them._

_He felt the bed shift minutely, so he cracked his eyes open. He was surprised to see a monkey sitting at the foot of his bed. It had its small hands covering its ears, much like Clint’s were._

_Clint took a stuttering breath, and then asked, “Monkey? H-how d-d-did you get in here?”_

_The monkey pointed to the door, pointed to her own chest, and then put a finger to its mouth in a gesture that said not to talk. Clint took it to mean not to talk about her._

_The door to his room opened and Barney walked in followed by two police officers._

“Stop this,” Clint forced out through clinched teeth.

“I don’t think so. Let’s move on, shall we?”

The pain hit again, but not as severely as he was able to prepare himself for it. He kept his eyes open and watched as he was thrust through what amounted to a bizarre montage of his childhood. The image stopped on a scene that he had spent years trying to forget.

_Sixteen year old Clint lay in a bloody heap on the ground behind the circus tent. He was still conscious, but his vision was wavering. All he could see was Barney’s retreating back as he walked away. He tried to call out, but what little breath he tried to take caused a coughing fit._

_He heard a quiet voice from above him say, “Clint, can you hear me?”_

_He tried to turn over, to let Miranda know he was still with her, but the pain was overwhelming and he nearly passed out._

_“No… don’t move. I know it hurts. Help is on the way, but I need you to do something for me.”_

_He didn’t answer but he nodded slightly._

_“I need you to dial down your senses. Not too far, but enough to ease your pain. Don’t go too far though. You can lose yourself.”_

“Please,” Clint tried again to get Loki to stop.

“No!”

The scene shifted again, and Clint was overcome with dread.

_Clint was kneeling down, setting up his perch above the square in Cairo. He then watched as Agent Perkins made the exchange with James Fenton. Then as Fenton backed away, he pulled a small device from his pocket._

_There was high pitched noise, and then he fell onto his side. Everything went black._

“What just happened? Tell me now!” Loki demanded.

Clint had to reply. “I zoned out. Happens when I focus too intensely using one of my senses. That time it was sound. The device caused a high pitch sound to overwhelm any sentinels in the area.”

“A most unfortunate weakness. How do you counter this.”

“A… a g-g-guide.”

“Show me.”

The pain in his head was more intense than the other times, as Clint tried to fight back against the intrusion. He didn’t want Loki to know about Coulson, and especially not Natasha. He couldn’t let anything happen to her. He’d never survive it. As the scene changed in front of him, he knew he had failed.

_Clint was lying in the infirmary; Coulson was sitting next to him with his hands clasped around Clint’s. He came around slowly._

_“Clint, come on back now. That’s it. Can you hear me?”_

_Clint gave him a confused look, and it didn’t take Coulson long to figure out that he couldn’t hear a word he was saying. So, Coulson pointed to his ears and then pointed up at the ceiling. He then clasped Clint’s hands again to help center him._

The scene shifted again.

_Clint was standing face-to-face with the woman he had been tasked with assassinating. He had his bow string pulled back and an arrow nocked. The woman, Natalia Romanova, was staring back at him putting up no defense. She looked utterly defeated._

_“If you are going to kill me, kill me.”_

_He hesitated. There was something in her eyes, something that was drawing him to her. He couldn’t explain it, but there was a clarity that he’d never felt before. It was similar to the feeling he got when Coulson clasped his hands or lightly touched him. The feeling that he’d learned a sentinel would feel when in close proximity to a guide. Could it be?_

_He slowly lowered his bow and released the tension on the string. She gave him a confused look. He was about to call Coulson when something caught his attention. Not far from where they were standing, he saw Yana sitting on the back of a red fox. The fox was walking toward them slowly. Yana pointed to the fox and then at Natalia. He had been right._

_“Sir, it’s her.”_

_“You’ve located the target? Have you taken her down?”_

_“No, sir.”_

_“And why not?”_

_“It’s_ her.”

_The line was quiet for a moment. While Clint waited for a reply, he looked back at Natalia. She was staring down at the two animals. She looked back and forth between them and Clint a few times before speaking._

_“Lisa,” she stated, quietly._

_“What?”_

_“Her name is Lisa?”_

_“You named your fox, fox?”_

_“I was six.”_

_Clint chuckled._

_“What is so funny?”_

_“Her name is Yana.”_

_She chuckled._

_“You named your monkey, monkey.”_

_“Well, partially. She didn’t get that name till I was fourteen. Before that, I called her Monkey.”_

Clint looked on the memory fondly, but with it being ripped from him in the way it had, it felt tainted. 

“I see no animals. What is it you speak of?”

“Our spirit animals. Only we and other sentinels and guides can see them. They appear when needed, to warn us, or help us.”

Loki growled, apparently out of frustration. Clint hoped that was the end of it, but then the scene shifted, and if he had been able to move, he probably would have fallen to his knees.

_Clint was kneeling in the middle of a large room. In one hand he held one of Natasha’s guns. The other was held protectively across an unconscious Natasha’s chest. His quiver was empty and discarded with his bow a few feet away. They were surrounded by at least fifteen dead bodies._

_Natasha was severely injured. She had been shot in the chest and another bullet had grazed her right temple. Her breathing was labored and there was a puddle of blood forming underneath her._

_Clint’s gun was pointed at Coulson, but he couldn’t see past the rage and protective instincts that had kicked in as soon as Natasha had fallen._

_“Clint, she needs help. Let me help her.”_

_Clint snarled at him, and tightened his grip on Natasha. He then dropped the gun slightly and sent a shot into the floor near Coulson’s feet._

_“Agent Barton! Stand down!”_

_Clint tensed and then his eyes drifted down to Natasha’s lax form. When he looked back up at Coulson, he dropped the gun and nodded._

“Fascinating. Seems you have quite a protective streak when it comes to the lovely Natasha.”

Clint was beside himself. Rage was starting to cloud his thoughts. He fought against the scepter’s power. All he wanted in that moment was to grab Loki around his throat and strangle the life out of him. 

Loki sneered at Clint and manipulated the scepter. The blue and cold overpowered Clint’s rage, and he was forced to his knees. 

“They will both die, by your hand, and there is nothing that will prevent it from happening.”

“N-n-no…” Clint hated showing weakness, but it was all he could feel; the rage having been swept away by the cold.

“You can’t fight it. You’ll kill her slowly; torture her in every way that you know she fears.”

Clint shook his head. He was no longer able to speak.

Loki sneered. “Now, tell me… what or whom will we be up against?”

The pain was back, only stronger, and he was unable to fight off unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

The flight to Stuttgart was fairly uneventful, but once they had Loki, and she realized that Clint wasn’t with him, her heart dropped. She did her best to keep her features schooled. When Loki was brought aboard the quinjet, she turned back to watch him be seated on one of the benches. An involuntary shiver ran down her back when he turned and gave her a half grin.

She wanted to strangle him; wanted to wring his neck until he told her where Clint was. With great restraint, she held back and turned to the front window of the cockpit. She was almost relieved when Thor came and took Loki, but knew they couldn’t leave without him. Once Rogers, Stark, Thor and Loki were back on board, the trip back to the Helicarrier was surprisingly uneventful, although highly tension filled.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Natasha walked onto the bridge of the Helicarrier. She sat in the first chair she saw. Bruce was standing behind Steve Rogers who was seated on the other side of the table. She still felt uneasy around him. She felt uneasy in general, off-kilter. She wasn’t used to the feeling, and more than anything it scared her. If this was how she felt while Clint was compromised and under enemy control, how would she feel if he never came back. 

She watched as Tony Stark, sans armor, walked through the same door she had entered a few moments ago. He was talking, but she wasn’t paying attention. It wasn’t until she heard her name that she realized she’d lost several minutes.

“Agent Romanoff, are you with us?” Fury questioned.

She nodded.

“I know this is tough for you. If you need to sit this out…”

“No, sir. I’m fine.”

She noticed the odd looks she was getting from everyone except for Tony. It was Steve that finally asked the question that everyone wanted to ask.

“What’s going on?”

Tony, being Tony, jumped in and answered for her. “Barton is a Sentinel. She’s his Guide.”

If looks could kill, Tony would have been dead five times over. Natasha was nearly growling at him. “Stark.”

“Oh come on. You know if it’s on a server anywhere in the world, I’ll be able to hack into it and find it. Don’t worry, it won’t leave this room.”

“Um, excuse me, but what are you talking about?” Steve asked.

Natasha sighed and then turned to look at Steve.

“A Sentinel has super-heightened senses. A Guide helps them to focus. Clint is one of the strongest Sentinels that SHIELD has ever employed. We also have something else that most bonded Sentinels and Guides don’t have. We’re connected body and soul.”

“Are you telling me that you’re psychic?” Bruce asked with skepticism in his tone.

“Not exactly. We don’t know what each other is thinking, but we can feel each other’s presence. When he was… it felt like something was ripped out of me. I can’t feel him anymore, even though I know he’s still alive.”

Everyone in the room was quiet as they contemplated what they were just told. 

“We’ll get him back,” Steve stated with confidence.

Natasha nodded. There was more talk that she didn’t really focus on, before the conversation went back to Loki.

“I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here,” Steve added.

“I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats. You can smell crazy on him,” Bruce said.

“Have a care how you speak! Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard and he is my brother!”

“He killed eighty people in two days.”

“He was adopted.”

“Okay, okay… let’s get back to what we plan to do about all this,” Fury broke in.

Everyone was quiet, and then Tony asked, “Why wasn’t Barton with Loki?”

“I don’t know, but I’m going to find out,” Natasha said as she stood and walked toward the door.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Steve turned in his chair and asked Coulson.

“She’ll be fine. This is what she does,” Coulson said.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“There are not many people who can sneak up on me,” Loki said as he turned to look at Natasha, who had just entered the room.

“But you figured I’d come,” she said, flatly.

“After whatever torture Fury can concoct, you would appear as a friend, as a balm, and I would cooperate.”

“I want to know what you did to Agent Barton.”

“I’d say I’ve expanded his mind.”

“And once you’ve won; once you’re king of the mountain. What happens to his mind?”

“Is this love, Agent Romanoff?”

She hesitated. “It’s not that simple.”

Loki backed toward the bench in his cell and sat down. “Tell me.”

Natasha turned toward a chair that was near the railing, and sat down.

“Before I worked for SHIELD, I made a name for myself. I had a very specific skill set. I didn’t care who I used it for, or on. Agent Barton was sent to kill me. He made a different call.” She tried to keep her voice as flat as possible in an attempt to not betray her true feelings. She didn’t know how much he actually knew about her.

“There is more you aren’t telling me.”

_He knows,_ she thought to herself. “I owe him a debt.”

Loki smiled, then stood and walked back toward her.

“Do you really? It seems to me that there is much more to this story. There was a reason he made a… different call. That’s right, Barton told me everything.”

A momentary look of shock appeared on Natasha’s face. She quickly schooled her features, but it was too late. She knew Loki had seen it.

“I won't touch Barton. He’s too extraordinary for a mortal man. He fought against me mightily, but to no avail. He is mine! No, I won’t kill him. Not until I make him kill you! Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear! And then he'll wake just long enough to see his good work, and when he screams, I'll split his skull! This is my bargain, you mewling quim!”

Natasha gasped. She couldn’t hold back her fear. She’s never felt so off-balance in her life.

“Where is he?” She asked, quietly.

“You’ll know soon enough.” Loki smirked.

“You’re a monster.”

She turned quickly and walked toward the door.

“Oh no, you brought the monster.”

She stopped dead in her tracks. She straightened and turned around.

“So Banner… that’s your play.”

“What?” Loki was shocked that she had tricked him.

“Thank you for your cooperation,” Natasha said as she turned and walked from the room.

She rounded the corner and then leaned heavily against the wall. She took a few deep breaths to try and calm down, and then clicked her intercom on.

“Loki means to unleash the Hulk. Keep Banner in the lab, I'm on my way. Send Thor as well. Also, we may have another problem. I’ll fill everyone in when I get there.”

She hurried to the lab.

\----------------

Natasha never made it. Just as she entered the hallway leading to the lab, Lisa walked around the corner at the far end. She turned her head toward the right side of the hallway and then sunk to the floor, covering her head with her front paws. Natasha stopped just as an explosion ripped through the side of the Helicarrier. She was thrown against the wall with such force that she blacked out for a moment. She came around to the sensation of falling. The floor where she had been walking had given way and she was sliding down what was left of it. She rolled to a stop two floors below, but was left trapped by a large pipe that had dislodged from somewhere. She laid there for a few minutes and took stock of any injuries she may have suffered. Then she worked on trying to get free.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Time had no meaning. Clint was trapped in his own body, with no way to communicate (unless Loki wished it). In a word, he’d been unmade. His body was a shell that Loki commanded. It was like he was stuck behind a wall inside his mind. He could see and hear everything that was going on, but he could do nothing to influence it. Not like in the beginning.

Clint’s senses weren’t under his own control either. Loki had experimented after his interrogation. He had figured out that he could dial them up and down, much in the same way that Clint did. It was painful, especially when Loki left them dialed all the way up. Loki could also tap into the rage Clint had displayed after reliving the Budapest mission.

He knew that he’d told Loki about the Initiative and about SHIELD and its defenses. He’d planned everything, from Loki’s trip to Germany and the infiltration of the lab, as well as the assault on the Helicarrier that was about to take place. 

Clint stood in the back of the quinjet and waited for them to get closer. When they were in range, he opened the back loading ramp. He raised his bow, nocked one of his explosive tipped arrows, and aimed. Since they were moving, he turned a few degrees to his left, and then fired it into the side of the Helicarrier, near Engine 3. He signaled to the pilot and they moved out of range of the explosion, and then he triggered it.

The explosion blew a large chunk out of the side of the ship and caused the engine to falter and then stop. Clint didn’t hear the full sound of it, though. All of his senses, save for his eyesight, were dialed down. He could accomplish his mission with minimal distractions.

The quinjet landed on the upper flight deck and Clint stepped out. He led the group of mercenaries to a vent, and they all dropped down inside the ship. He directed them where to go and then had two follow him to the bridge.

It wasn’t long before they ran into some resistance. Several SHIELD agents approached with their guns raised. Without having to prompt them, the mercenaries opened fire, killing the agents. Much to his relief, Clint never had to say a word or raise his own weapon. Things were bad enough without him having to deal with killing them himself.

When he finally reached the bridge, he waited patiently for an opportunity to present itself, and then he took the shot. It would have been nearly impossible for anyone else, but it was simple enough with his enhanced eyesight to hit the miniscule target. He hightailed it out of there as soon as he started taking fire, but not before letting loose a small explosive arrow. The explosion allowed him to make his escape. He turned and headed for the detention level to free Loki.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Helicarrier started to tilt drastically after Clint’s arrow delivered the virus to the system and took out the second engine. As it did so, the pipe that was pinning Natasha rolled out of the way and she was able to get free. She had already figured out that it would be impossible for her to try and get back up to the lab floor from there, so she made her way around the rubble surrounding her and headed to the nearest staircase.

_“Barton is heading for the detention level. Is anyone able to intercept?”_ Fury’s voice filtered over the intercom.

Natasha clicked her comm, and then said, “This is Romanoff. I’m on it.”

_“Romanoff, be careful. He’s not the Barton you know.”_

She didn’t reply. She made her way quickly down to the detention level, but intercepted Clint about halfway there.

Clint saw her first. Without hesitating, he raised his bow and quickly nocked an arrow. Natasha ducked under the railing just as he loosed the arrow. She did a somersault back over the top of the rail and kicked Clint in the chest, sending him back a few feet. He recovered quickly and swung his bow toward her head. She tried to duck out of the way, but he was too quick and he clipped her shoulder. She grunted from the sudden pain, but otherwise didn’t show any weakness from it.

Using the railing again, she swung underneath the walkway as Clint again tried to shoot her with an arrow. She pulled herself back up behind him before he could turn around and she was able to get him in a headlock. As he struggled, she spoke directly into his ear.

“Clint. It’s me. Stop this.”

It didn’t seem to register as he kept struggling. She realized that he probably hadn’t heard her, so she tried again, only this time, she yelled into his ear.

“Damnit, Clint! It’s me, Natasha! Stop this!”

Clint heard her screams, and wished he could respond so she’d know he had. His body stopped fighting, but he knew it was only a trick. Natasha loosened her grip on him, and it was just enough for him to get the upper hand. He turned to face her and pulled a knife. She grabbed the hand with the knife and pushed with all she had. The anger in his expression hadn’t slipped her notice.

He grabbed her hair and pulled, but her grip didn’t falter. They grappled over control of the knife for a few minutes before she was able to get him closer to the railing and she slammed his arm down against it causing him to lose his grip. Clint didn’t react at all to what should have been a painful hit to the arm, and he went to reach for Natasha’s neck. As he did so, she lowered her head and bit down hard on his forearm. That got a reaction.

He pulled away far enough for Natasha to get free. She then swept her leg around and knocked him off his feet. His head hit the railing with a loud thump, and he went down hard on the floor. Natasha stepped back and looked down at Clint as he tried to get back up. She would be surprised if escaped without a concussion.

Clint finally pulled himself up onto his knees. When his head had hit the railing, he felt something break loose in his head, and he was suddenly thrust back to the forefront. He was dizzy when he finally faced Natasha.

“Tasha?” 

Natasha knelt down in front of him and looked into his eyes. They were no longer glowing blue, but she couldn’t trust that. 

In a move that surprised even her, she placed her hand on his chest and then leaned in for a bruising kiss. It was hard and messy. Then she pulled back and stood back up. She swung her arm and punched him hard across the face. He fell to the floor unconscious.

She called for guards and a medical team to come and collect him, and then she sank to the floor. As soon as their lips had met, she could feel that emptiness disappear. His essence filled her again, and the relief left her exhausted. 

The medical team that came to check on Clint tried to give Natasha a once over, but she waved them off. She pulled herself up using the railing and waited for them to take Clint away when Fury’s voice came over the intercom.

_“Coulson’s down. They just called it.”_

She leaned heavily against the railing and took a deep breath. Normally, death didn’t affect her in any noticeable way. So, her reaction was a bit of a surprise. She blamed Clint for opening her up to all the feelings she been denied growing up, and she had yet to get used to them. She knew Clint would be devastated. 

“Excuse me, Agent Romanoff?”

Natasha startled. She wiped her eyes quickly before turning toward the junior agent she’d never seen before.

She cleared her throat and then said, “Yes.”

“I can take you to Agent Barton.”

She nodded. “Thank you.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Clint slowly became aware of his surroundings. He opened his eyes to find himself in a small, gray-walled room. He was strapped to a gurney with the head propped up so that he was in a seated position. He immediately started to struggle against the restraints. It wasn’t really that he wanted out of them, but his skin was crawling, and all of his senses were going haywire. He was alone as well, and that just made the sensations worse. 

The blue was gone, but he could still hear Loki’s voice in the back of his mind, ordering him to tell him everything he knew. He squeezed his eyes shut and silent tears ran down his face.

He was startled out of his thoughts when he heard the door open. His eyes flew open and he turned to look at the door. Natasha walked through and closed it behind her.

“Natasha?” he whispered.

She walked to him and clasped his right hand with hers, but she didn’t say anything.

Clint started to writhe on the bed, struggling against the restraints again.

“I can’t let you go yet, Clint. We have to be sure.”

“I don’t even know if I’m sure. I feel so out of control.”

“Rest,” she said as she let go of his hand and walked over to the bench in the small room to sit down.

“Don’t go,” he pleaded.

“I won’t.”

She sat down and kept vigil over Clint as he struggled to pull himself together. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when he finally stilled. His breathing evened out and his eyes cleared. He looked over at her.

“Natasha… I think… he’s gone. I don’t feel him anymore.”

It didn’t take much convincing for her to cross the room to him and unbuckle the restraints.

Clint grabbed her hands and squeezed. They looked into each other’s eyes for a full minute before Natasha sat down in this lap and wrapped her arms around him.

“I thought you were dead. I couldn’t feel you anymore.”

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

“Do you… do you know what it feels like to have everything that you are scooped out and something else shoved in? Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?”

“You know I do.”

“There was nothing I could do… and then he…”

“What matters now is that you’re back. You’re you again.”

“How did you..?”

“Cognitive recalibration. I hit you really hard on the head.”

“Thanks.”

She smiled, and he smiled back. Then his face fell and he got serious.

“How many?”

“That wasn’t you. That was Loki. Don’t blame yourself for what he did.”

“He was able to do all of this because of me. I gave him everything. He knows everything I know. What I didn’t tell him, he pulled from my brain like it was nothing. He… he knows about Budapest.”

Natasha didn’t know what to say, so she just leaned against him and hugged him tightly. 

“Natasha, are you okay?”

She pulled away from him and hesitated before saying, “I… was compromised.”

She didn’t have to say anymore. Clint looked her in the eyes and nodded, and then he pulled her back against him and held her tightly. They were each trying to comfort the other.

Then movement caught her eye from the bench. She sat up and looked in that direction. Lisa and Yana were seated next to each other on the bench, both of them looking toward the door.

“I think someone’s coming. Why don’t you get cleaned up?” 

Natasha stood and helped Clint off the gurney. He walked into the small bathroom and worked on getting himself feeling somewhat normal again.

Five minutes later, Captain America opened the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Clint flew the quinjet toward New York City as fast as it would go. He saw the beam of light and the portal before either Natasha or Steve. He set course straight for Stark Tower.

“If I can’t land at the tower, I’ll try to find a place nearby. Looks like the party has started without us.”

Steve leaned into the cockpit and looked toward the city off in the distance. “How can you tell?”

Clint smirked. “I’m assuming you know what I am. I can see it. The portal is already open.”

Steve looked out again, then he looked at Clint and then to Natasha.

“I told you he was the best.”

Clint looked over at Natasha, a hint of a smile on both of their faces. Steve looked between the two of them again, and then placed his hand on Clint’s shoulder. Clint did his best to keep from flinching at the touch.

“Okay. Just get us there. Tony’s going to have his hands full.”

Clint didn’t say anything, but he nodded and then turned back toward the control panels.

As they got closer, they started to see the small gliders flying down through the portal that had opened in the sky above the tower. 

Clint suddenly tensed and he squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Clint, what’s wrong?” Natasha asked, as she reached her hand toward him.

He grabbed onto her hand and then slowly opened his eyes. “I can hear them. Hurts…”

She squeezed his hand and whispered, “You know what to do. Just enough to get by.”

“I’m trying,” Clint huffed out, and looked toward her in desperation.

“Just breathe through it, and concentrate. Then count backward from ten until its better.”

Clint did as she said, and slowly he was able to dial back his hearing to a point where he could still hear what was going on inside the jet, as well as through his earpiece, but everything else faded away.

“You good?” Natasha asked as she squeezed his hand again. Clint nodded.

“Do you need to do the rest?”

“No… not now. I’ll need everything to get through this.”

Natasha nodded, and then releases his hand. 

At some point during the exchange, and without either of them noticing, Steve had walked back up to the cockpit.

“Are you going to be okay for this?”

Clint, slightly startled by the voice, turned and said, “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” He grinned at Steve, but it didn’t quite have his usual enthusiasm behind it.

“You can sit out…”

“No!” Clint barked out, but then he deflated. With a sigh, he said, “No, I’m good.”

“Okay… Just, if you have to bow out...”

Clint nodded and then turned back again to the control panel and window. They were almost to their destination.

\----------------

Clint piloted the quinjet around the tower to where the landing pad was, but stopped and hovered when they saw the scene unfolding on the balcony. Loki and Thor were fighting and it looked pretty intense.

He focused on Loki; turned the quinjet and pointed the guns toward the balcony. Then Clint saw it; something that most normal people wouldn’t notice. Loki grinned toward the jet and lifted his staff. Clint was able to move a split second before a blue energy blast sailed just below the wing. By the time he got back into position to fire, Loki was gone.

“Damnit! Where’d he go?”

“He won’t go far…”

_“Nice of you to join the party. If you aren’t too busy, I could really use a hand.”_ Tony’s voice came over the comm system in the quinjet.

“Stark?”

_“Of course… unless you know of someone else that flies around in a titanium alloy suit of armor. If so, I need to have words…”_

“STARK!” Natasha cut him off. 

_“Okay! I’m bringing a bunch of these things toward you. Take ‘em out.”_

Clint was the first to see Iron Man flying toward them. Natasha took control of the guns, and it didn’t take long for most of the gliders to blow apart under the heavy bombardment. 

“I need to get out there, Barton. Set down on the street, and then get back up in the air and take out as many more of these things that you can.”

“With pleasure.”

Clint landed the quinjet on the street in front of the tower, and opened the landing ramp. Steve grabbed his shield and ran down the ramp into the street. Then Clint turned to Natasha, and said the last thing that he wanted to say.

“You need to go with him.”

“What? You need…”

“I’ll be fine. You can do more good out there.” 

An explosion shook the quinjet.

“Shit, that was close. If I’m going to get up in the air again, you need to go, now.”

Natasha unhooked her safety belt and stood. Before walking to the back of the jet, she leaned down and kissed Clint. “Be safe,” she said, before walking out the back.

“You be safe,” he called after her.

Clint turned back to the console and reached for the button to close the ramp, when his senses picked up movement out the window. He looked up just in time to see one of the alien gliders spiraling out of control and heading straight for the quinjet.

He unbuckled his seat belt and ran to the back of the quinjet. He grabbed his quiver and bow as he passed them and ran down the ramp and straight for Natasha, who was less than ten feet away.

“Natasha, run!” he yelled. 

Without question, Natasha started running. She turned her head just in time to see the glider crash into the quinjet and explode. The shockwave hit and threw her several feet in the air. The wind was knocked from her and she had a few small scrapes from when she landed, but otherwise she was unhurt. She pushed herself up onto her hands and knees and looked around.

Clint was slowly pushing himself up as well. He turned his head toward Natasha and smiled when he saw that she was in mostly one piece.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m good. You?”

“I’m fine. We need to get up before there are any more surprises.”

Natasha normally would have questioned his sudden change of subject, but given the situation, she let it slide. They could deal with it later. She stood and walked over to him. She reached her hand out to him and he gripped it. The touch calmed them both, and Clint was able to push some of the pain and disorientation out of his mind. He stood with her help, and then they both looked at the devastation around them. 

In the few minutes it had taken for them to recover, more of the gliders were swarming through the sky above them. Steve was running toward them, followed by Thor, and surprisingly, Bruce.

“Are you two okay?” Steve asked, as they all gathered in the middle of what was left of the street.

“We’re good,” Natasha replied, as she looked over at Clint. She noticed that he was staring off into the distance. She reached out and grabbed his hand. It didn’t take long for him to snap out of his stupor.

Clint looked at her and nodded.

That’s when all hell broke loose. Tony flew toward them around one of the nearby skyscrapers followed closely by what looked like a large flying whale. Bruce transformed into the Hulk and proceeded to punch the whale in the face. The explosion that followed Tony launching missiles at it showered the entire area with fire and debris.

The Chitauri warriors that had escaped the whale were converging on their position. Clint and Natasha stood back to back, firing on the incoming army. They were in perfect synchronization with each other, as they dodged and fired. Being in such close proximity, and without outside influences on their behavior, they were able to sense each other’s movements. That was what was so special about their bond. Not many Sentinel and Guide pairs were as in tuned to each other as they were. 

Natasha was reminded of the Budapest mission or at least the part before she had been shot. She thought better of mentioning it, though, especially after Loki had dug the worst of the memory out of Clint’s mind.

Clint felt every ache and pain that he had suffered since being taken by Loki. If he’d had better control over his senses, he could have kept them pushed back to a manageable level until he could be seen by medical. Unfortunately, with his control frayed so badly, he had to rely heavily on Natasha’s strength to keep him going. That worked until they had to split up.

“Alright, listen up. Until we can close that portal, our priority's containment. Barton, I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays. Stark, you got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash.”

Clint took a deep breath to steady himself and replied, “Sure thing, Cap. Hey, Stark! Want to give me a lift?”

Tony landed behind Clint and said, “Right. Better clench up, Daredevil.” Before Clint knew what was happening, he was being flown through the air. 

They landed on the roof more gently that Clint would have thought. Tony stepped away and was about to take off again when Clint spoke.

“Daredevil?”

“You know… the whole enhanced senses thing you both have going on.”

“Right. Get out of here Stark.”

He waited until Tony took off, and then made his way to the edge of the roof. He started calling out the gliders, and took out as many as he could with the limited arrows that he had.

He was distracted momentarily when he saw Natasha riding on one of the gliders. His instincts screamed at him to get to her, but he knew that was impossible.

“Tasha?”

Clint saw another glider following closely behind her so he took it down with little more than a glance. Then he saw Loki heading back toward the tower. He loaded one of the explosive tips on an arrow, aimed, and fired. Clint watched as Loki caught the arrow and look in his direction. Clint sneered and then set off the arrow tip. It exploded, sending Loki flying back down onto the tower’s balcony.

The archer then caught a small movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned just in time to see Yana point behind him. He quickly nocked an arrow and turned around. He shot the Chitauri warrior before it could sneak up on him.

Clint saw another couple of Chitauri approaching from the same direction, and grabbed for an arrow. There weren’t any. He quickly grabbed the one out of the fallen Chitauri and placed it back in his quiver. Then he jumped over the edge of the roof.

He pulled and shot the arrow at the side of the building just below the edge. The grappling claw grabbed ahold and he swung into and through a window on one of the upper floors.

Clint rolled to a stop on top of his quiver. The pain rolling through him was intense. He could feel the quiver digging into his back, the small cuts on his body and face from crashing through the window. It nearly overwhelmed him, as he once again struggled to control his senses. He rolled over on to his stomach, and lay there, breathing through the pain. He counted back from ten, and slowly was able to dial back his sense of touch enough to dull the pain. 

Clint knew he needed to get up and rejoin the fight, but his body wouldn’t cooperate. He just needed a couple of minutes.

\----------------

A couple of minutes turned into ten, and he didn’t even realize he’d closed his eyes. He woke to the sound of his name being repeated urgently into his earpiece. 

He groaned as he slowly got to his feet. He sighed with relief once he realized it was Natasha speaking to him.

“I’m here, and I’m okay. Had to get off the roof, so took a little detour through a window.”

_“Damnit, Clint! What took you so long to answer? I thought…”_

“I needed a few minutes to… recalibrate. I’m headed down to street level right now.”

_“Head back to the tower. It’s over.”_

“Loki?”

_“Hulk neutralized him. I’m waiting for everyone else to get back here before we confront him. I don’t think we have to worry about Loki going anywhere.”_

“Good. I hope it hurt. I’m on my way. Are you okay?”

_“I’m good. I’ll fill you in on everything when you get here.”_

“Okay. See you soon.”

Clint made his way to the ground floor and walked out into the street. He had a good view of the tower, and chuckled when he saw that only the A was left on the side of it. He looked around and noticed all the creatures lying dormant on the ground. He relaxed minutely and started walking. He knew that he still had one more thing to do before he could truly let down his guard.


	5. Chapter 5

The Avengers stood over the defeated Loki. Clint stood in front of the group, arrow nocked and ready to fire. What he didn’t want anyone else to know was that he was barely holding on. His arms were barely holding the bow, and it was taking all of his remaining strength to keep standing. 

As soon as Loki formally surrendered, and Thor had him restrained and removed from the room, Clint’s vision began to fade. He looked over to where he knew Natasha was still standing, but he couldn’t see her anymore. He couldn’t hear anything, or feel anything. His body was shutting down, and he hoped that Natasha figured out what was going on before he face planted on the hard floor. 

Natasha was looking in Clint’s direction when he suddenly turned toward her. She looked into his eyes, but they were unfocused and glassy. When Clint’s arms dropped and his bow and arrow fell to the floor, she dropped the scepter and reached out to him, and caught him before he fell to the floor himself.

“Clint? Clint! What’s wrong? Talk to me.” She asked frantically, but she received no answer in return.

Clint’s blank stare scared her more than anything. She knew what was going on, but she’d never experienced it for herself. She went to her knees and pulled him to her chest. She wrapped her hands around his chest and held on. She hoped that the closeness and connection would bring him around, but there was no reaction. Yana appeared before them, and climbed into Clint’s lap. It was the first time Natasha had seen her since the morning before Clint was taken.

Steve had been standing just to the right of Natasha, and he helped to make sure Clint didn’t fall. He then stood back as she tried to revive him. Tony was also standing nearby. Hulk howled, as if he was hurt. Could that have been worry for the archer?

“What’s wrong? What can we do to help?”

Natasha looked at them with unshed tears in her eyes. She calmly asked, “Stark, do you have an isolation room here? Any medical equipment?”

“I have a whole medical floor. There are two isolation rooms down there. I have every piece of equipment you could possibly need. Is there anything else?”

Natasha was momentarily taken aback by how quiet and accommodating Stark was being, but put it aside and said, “I need you to contact Dr. Sanders at SHIELD. She’s his doctor. He needs her.”

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Call SHIELD and get Dr. Sanders over here. Tell her it’s an emergency.”

“Yes, Sir. Also, isolation room one is ready for your use.”

“Thank’s J.”

Natasha watched passively as the exchange went on, and then turned to Steve. “Can you carry him down to the room?”

“Yes, of course.”

Steve knelt down and lifted Clint into his arms.

“JARVIS will get you to the medical floor, I need to get out of this thing,” Tony said, and then he turned to the Hulk. “We could really use Bruce. Any chance you’ll let him come out to play?”

Hulk grunted, and then started to shrink. After a moment, Bruce was lying on the floor, slightly disoriented.

“Hey buddy, how are you feeling?”

“What?”

“Come on, we may need your help. Go to my room and grab some clothes. Legolas is down.”

“Tony, slow down. You know I’m not that kind of doctor.”

“So you were just twiddling your thumbs in Calcutta, then?”

“Fine.” Bruce stood up and made his way to the elevator, struggling to keep what was left of his pants up.

Tony made his way down to his lab so he could get out of his damaged armor.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Natasha, Steve and Clint arrived on the medical floor, and made their way quickly to the isolation room. They entered and Steve laid Clint down on the bed.

The room had white walls and no exterior windows. There was a long window along the wall with the door. It was possible to see into the room from the outside, but while inside the room, you couldn’t see out. There was a bed and a few medical monitors.

Steve stepped back, and Natasha sat down on the bed next to Clint. She looked up at Steve and said, “Could you give us some time alone? As soon as the doctor gets here, let her in. Don’t let anyone else in the room.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll be just outside if you need anything.”

“Thank you.” She then turned her head back to Clint.

She waited until Steve was out of the room before she started to try and actively pull him back from wherever he’d gone. He was breathing and his pulse was steady, but she was worried that if he didn’t snap out of it soon, that would change. She placed her hands flat on the bed on either side of Clint’s head and pushed herself up so she was looking straight down at his face.

“Barton, you’re not supposed to be sleeping on the job. Coulson would be very disappointed in you.”

She waited for a minute, hoping for some kind of response. When none came, she tried another approach.

“I hope you realize that you fainted in front of Stark, Rogers, and the Hulk. Rogers had to carry you down here. Stark is never going to let you live this down. If I were you, I’d be getting up out of this bed and putting him in his place.”

There was still no response.

“Damnit, Clint. I don’t know what to do. I can’t… I thought I’d lost you once already… I can’t lose you now, not after everything. Clint, please…”

There was still no response, and so she did the only other thing she could think of. She slowly lowered herself down and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. She raised her head up and looked into his blank stare. There was no change.

Natasha shifted so that she was laying on the bed next to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and draped her arm across his chest. She hugged him tightly, and it wasn’t long before she was asleep.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Natasha was startled awake when a hand touched her on her shoulder. Her first thought was that Clint was awake, but when she opened her eyes, she could see that he was still out. The only difference was that his eyes were closed. She turned her head and saw Dr. Sanders standing on the other side of the bed. She had two nurses with her.

“Agent Romanoff, I’m going to need you to leave the room for a few minutes while I check him and get him hooked up to the monitors.”

Natasha sat up and then stood by the bed, her right hand clasping Clint’s left.

“What’s wrong with him, doctor? 

“I haven’t had a chance to thoroughly examine him yet, but best guess—he’s been through something very traumatic and his body is trying to reboot itself. I’ll hopefully be able to tell you more once I look him over.”

“Okay… I’ll be outside.”

Natasha walked across the room and then through the door. She was surprised to see the rest of the team, minus Thor, seated in the small waiting area outside of the isolation rooms. 

Tony, Steve, and Bruce all stood and approached her as she entered the waiting area. Steve was the first to speak.

“How is he? What happened?”

She hesitated before she spoke. “I’m not sure, but it’s a lot like a severe zone out. The doctor thinks that his body is trying to right itself after…” 

“Are you okay?” Bruce asked.

“No, but what matters is that I can feel him again.” She pointed to her head. “I can feel him in here.” She then pointed to her heart. “And I can feel him in here.”

She walked over to one of the nearby chairs and sat down to wait.

\----------------

Dr. Sanders came out of the isolation room about thirty minutes later. Natasha immediately stood and met her at the door. Tony had fallen asleep in his chair and was snoring softly. Bruce and Steve stood but stayed by their chairs.

“Doctor, how is he?”

“Physically, he has several cuts on his arms, some of which still had glass in them. We removed them and patched them up. He’s got three bruised and two cracked ribs along his left side. He’s got a severe bruise on his left forearm. On top of all of that, he has a concussion. It’s a lot better than I thought it’d be considering what he’s been through. Those wounds should heal fine.

“Mentally, though, I… I really don’t know. If I had some idea of what he went through, then I might be able to give you a better diagnosis. What it looks like to me is that he is in a full sense zone out. I’ve heard of them happening, but I’ve never dealt with one before. Agent Barton has a traumatic history which has caused him zoning problems before, but nothing this severe.

“Right now, he’s in a coma. He’s still breathing on his own and his pulse is steady, so I’m not worried yet. If it persists though… I really don’t know.”

Natasha was stunned, and it took her a few minutes to recover enough to talk. During her silence, Tony had woken, and the three men had congregated just behind her. Steve put his hand on her shoulder in a show of support.

“I thought he was okay. I mean, he wasn’t 100%, but he bounced back so quickly and he fought with us.”

“He was probably running on adrenaline. Was he having any problems with his senses at all?”

Natasha stopped to think a moment and then said, “He mentioned that Loki was able to manipulate them. He said he felt out of control. Then on the jet… he had trouble dialing back his hearing.”

“It’s possible that with Loki manipulating them, he did lose some of his control over them. It was an extreme violation, and the psychological effects of that alone will take time to heal. Depending on the severity of the torture, which is what this sounds like to me, he might need to retrain himself to control his senses again.”

Natasha nodded, but was unable to speak. Tony took the opportunity.

“Doc, is there anything I can do to help? Do you need any more equipment? Anything?”

“Mr. Stark, this isn’t something you can solve with money. For now, it’s just wait and see.”

“I didn’t mean… yeah, okay.”

“Can I go back in?”

“Of course. The nurses will let you know when it’s okay to go in. They’re making sure he’s comfortable. Oh, and be careful with the IV’s and monitors. I know he reacts best to touch, so just make sure you don’t mess with those.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Natasha said quietly, and then sat back down to wait again.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Minutes turned into hours turned into a day, and there had been no change in Clint’s condition. Natasha had refused to leave Clint’s side until the doctor had threatened to have JARVIS lock her out of the room. She reluctantly went with Tony up to his penthouse, where he gave her use of the shower. Some clothes appeared out of nowhere, and she figured they were probably Pepper’s. Tony was nowhere to be seen.

She returned to the isolation room and found Thor sitting in the waiting room. She hadn’t expected him to be waiting for her there. He stood as she approached.

“Lady Natasha, how do you fare?”

“I’m okay. Just worried.”

“I want to apologize.”

“You did nothing wrong, Thor. Your brother is his own man. He made his own decisions.”

“That, I fear, isn’t the whole of the truth.”

Natasha turned a stern eye on him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“His mind wasn’t entirely his own. That does not excuse his actions, but the manner in which he accomplished his goals was not something he would have done of his own volition.”

“He tortured Clint! He ripped his brain apart and then took all of his control! I don’t care if it was something he wouldn’t have done in the past. He did it! I don’t know if Clint will ever wake up, or what condition he’ll be in if or when he does.”

Thor hesitated before speaking again. “I understand. What he did is inexcusable, but he is still my brother.”

“I know, and I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

“It is quite all right, Lady Natasha.”

They sat quietly for a few minutes; neither of them really knowing what to say to each other. Natasha finally stood and walked toward the door to the isolation room. She turned just before opening the door.

“When will you be leaving to take Loki back to Asgard?”

“We are waiting for the vessel to arrive which will allow for safe transport. As soon as it is here, we will leave.”

“Okay… and it’s just Natasha.”

“Very well, Natasha.”

She nodded to him and then entered the room.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Several hours later found Natasha asleep in the chair with her head resting on her arms on the bed. One of her hands was holding Clint’s. She felt movement and opened her eyes. Clint’s fingers were squeezing her hand.

Natasha sat up and squeezed his hand in return.

“Clint? Can you hear me?”

He didn’t reply right away. She waited a very long minute before his eyes started to blink open. Natasha leaned over him so she could look down into his eyes. It took a moment, but they finally focused on her.

“Tasha?”

Natasha gave him a huge smile. 

“What happened?”

Natasha sat back down in the chair and clasped his hand in both of hers.

“You passed out just after Thor took Loki away. You’ve been in a coma for the past 30 hours.”

“A coma?”

“Dr. Sanders thinks that you had a full sense zone out. It’s like they all dropped to nothing. I couldn’t get through to you at all. You gave no reaction to anything, even when your eyes were open.”

Clint hesitated then sat up. “I…” Then he chuckled. “I was me, but now he’s gone.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“It’s from the last song I remember hearing. One of the mercenaries had a radio. Seems fitting, because I don’t feel like me anymore. Something feels off; something’s missing.”

She knew what he was talking about as soon as he said it. She opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted when Clint said, “Where’s Coulson?”

She dropped her head and shook her head minutely. She was unable to make eye contact. That was all it took for Clint to figure out the truth.

“No, no, no…” he kept repeating, and shaking his head.

Natasha stood and then sat on the bed next to him. She placed her hands on either side of his face and turned his head toward her.

“Clint, you need to stop this. Blaming yourself isn’t going to bring him back.”

“It is my fault, Nat. I gave Loki the intel. I’m the reason he was there. The whole thing was my idea. Everything is my fault!”

He was shaking all over and he had tears running down his face. Natasha wrapped her arms around him and pulled him toward her. She held him like that for some time, and whispered nonsense into his ear. She really wasn’t good at any of that.

Dr. Sanders quietly entered the room. 

“Agent Romanoff? Is everything okay?”

“He just got the news about Coulson.”

“Ah, I see. Well, do what you can to get him calmed down, and then he needs to rest.”

Natasha nodded, and then went back to rubbing circles on Clint’s back. That had always worked in the past. After a few minutes, though, he pulled away.

“Stop… hurts.”

She nodded at him. He quietly laid back down and turned his head away from her. He was asleep in a matter of minutes. Natasha sat back down in the chair and quietly kept vigil.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Clint woke with a start. He jolted up into a seated position on the bed and immediately grabbed his head and clinched his eyes shut. He could hear every little sound in the room, from the near silent mechanical sounds of the medical equipment, to Natasha’s breathing.

Natasha heard his groan of pain and sat up in the chair she had fallen asleep in the night before. She looked over to see him seated on the bed with his hands clamped over his ears. He was rocking back and forth and his breath was coming in short bursts.

She climbed up onto the bed and faced him. Without saying a word, she placed her hands over his and turned his head to where she could look him straight in the eyes. 

As soon as her hands touched his, Clint’s eyes opened, but he immediately shut them again.

Natasha looked up at the ceiling and pointed at the lights, then down at the floor. The lights in the room dimmed. Then she heard the door handle rattle. She immediately looked at the window and shook her head. When the rattling stopped, she looked back at Clint.

She pulled back one of her hands and then touched Clint on the forehead between his eyes. He startled slightly, but then slowly blinked his eyes open. After a moment, his eyes focused and he looked at her. She leaned her head forward until their foreheads touched, and they stayed that way for a few minutes. When his breathing slowed and he started to visibly relax, she pulled back.

Natasha then moved her finger in a circle and then pointed at her ear, to signal for him to dial back his hearing. He shook his head and clinched his eyes shut again as the pain from the concussion came to the forefront.

He whispered, “I can’t… it won’t work.”

She tapped him on the forehead again. When Clint opened his eyes this time, she was frowning at him with her eyebrow raised. She raised her hands up with her palms facing him, and then she slowly dropped one finger at a time. He nodded slightly, and slowly began to relax again. It took a few minutes, much longer than it normally would, for him to finally dial back his hearing enough for him to function.

Natasha placed her hands over his once again, but this time, she grabbed hold of them and pulled them toward her. They went without much protest. She lowered his hands down to his lap and then squeezed them. He looked into her eyes briefly before leaning forward till his head was resting on her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his back and pulled him toward her.

They sat like that for about ten minutes before she whispered to him, “Are you good?”

With a little bit of hesitation, he answered, “Yeah.”

“Do you think you can eat?”

“I… don’t know…”

“Don’t worry about the taste and smell. Dr. Sanders and I have already taken care of that.”

“Okay… I’ll try.”

Natasha looked toward the window and said, “JARVIS… tell them he’s going to try and eat.”

JARVIS didn’t reply, but she knew he’d heard her request. They’d all agreed that any unexpected voices in the room could do more harm than good.

Five minutes later, Bruce arrived with a tray of food. 

“Is it all right if I come in?” 

Clint nodded, and Natasha said, “Yes.”

Bruce walked in and placed the tray on the table next to the bed.

“I just wanted to see if either of you need anything, and to see how you’re both doing.”

“Thank you, Dr. Banner. I’m fine. He’s…”

“I’m not okay.”

It surprised both Natasha and Bruce that Clint admitted that so freely. Bruce didn’t really know what to say, so he took his leave.

“Well, if you need anything, one of us will be outside at all times.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“We know, but we want to.”

She nodded. Bruce turned and walked out the door.

Clint managed to eat about half of the food before he pushed the tray away. He laid back down and turned his head away from Natasha. Not giving him a choice, she laid down next to him with her head on his shoulder, much like she had done when they’d brought him in. He shifted minutely, but otherwise didn’t acknowledge she was there. It wasn’t till after he’d fallen asleep that he pulled her closer.

The rest of the day was mostly bouts of the same. He’d wake up in pain, and she’d have to coach him through it. By the end of the day, he was so exhausted that he slept for fourteen hours straight.


	6. Epilogue

The following day started out much the same, but Clint had an easier time with controlling himself. Natasha started working with him on dialing everything down and then back up again. They’d even been able to turn the lights back up to full and he was okay. By early evening, he had started to feel more comfortable in his own skin, so they both decided that he should try and walk around a bit and then try to leave the room.

It was a disaster. He walked to the door and opened it, but immediately froze. After being closed up in the isolation room for two days, the smells and sounds, although minimal on that floor, hit him like a freight train. If Natasha hadn’t been there to pull him back and close the door, he would have had another severe zone out. It did take him a few minutes to recover, but by that point, he was sullen, and again laid down on the bed and turned away. It took three days before Clint could leave the room. Natasha did her best to help him each time, but it got to the point that he didn’t want to even try anymore. It took the news that the Tesseract carrier was ready and Thor was taking Loki back to Asgard to get him to even attempt it again.

Against Natasha’s and Dr. Sander’s better judgment, Clint took what control he had regained over the previous few days and dialed his senses down. Not too far, but enough to make things bearable. He was determined to see Loki off; to have proof with his own eyes that he was really gone.

The drive to Central Park was an exercise in patience. Clint fidgeted the whole way. Natasha hoped that the whole affair wouldn’t take too long. She wanted to get on the road and out of the city as soon as possible. She could see, and feel how much Clint was struggling.

When they arrived at the park and had all gathered Clint walked right up to Loki and glared. There wasn’t much Loki could do with his hands shackled and his mouth gagged. 

Natasha could see the tenseness in Clint’s posture, and in an attempt to try and get him to relax, she leaned down and whispered in his ear.

“Just remember, if he does try to escape, you’ve been authorized to take him out… with extreme prejudice.”

Clint smiled, and visibly relaxed. 

As soon as Thor and Loki were teleported away, they said they’re goodbyes, and Natasha guided Clint to their borrowed SHIELD car. They had a safe house in Upstate New York that had a quiet room. Natasha hoped that it would be enough, and that they could eventually get back to the way things used to be. Clint was a long way from okay, and he’d agreed to the trip without much discussion. He just wanted to get his life back. 

When they hit the interstate, Natasha noticed that Clint was still stiff, and anxious. She reached over and clasped his hand in hers. It took a few moments, but he relaxed again. Yeah, they had a long way to go, but she knew they’d eventually get there.


End file.
